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Blog by diaper sissy nathan

Mz Devon,

sissy is a idiot.

Knew You were moving. I walked around town in constant fear of running into You, based on my failures. i wanted to try for the long haul so badly with You but all i saw was Your business side, being blinded by poverty and fear. i couldn’t shake the “She is just about business” feeling which is why i was touch and go – You know the story. Oh the irony i thought because a “online presence” lived locally but i would never be able to meet You, because You were the top top of $$$ Dommes. All my perceptions and such really screwed me over as im sure that unquestioned devotion would have pleased You, aside from what little funds i had. But You knew that – we talked about it.

…watched online as You moved to the coast and knew how badly i fucked things up. i know You’re gone. You’re right, all i did was tribute and talk. Bullshit.

Contacting You is not about me trying to weasel back into Your good graces Mz Devon. i think, that You are probably the truest-to-form BDSM practitioner i have ever spoken too and I have greatly disrespected You.

i have so much submissive energy inside me. The only available outlet is – online. Over the years the availability of “at my fingertips” submission has twisted me into a broken-pathed loser. i have no direction and nowhere to place all this…whatever. i was years into a submissive training path, then ditched and left for dead in chastity (hot sounding but obviously threw me off a good path) a whole part of my “person” only exists online, electronically and it’s pathetic. So i meet You – real- local, and I cant afford to keep You happy, or i dont think that it will lead to anything real with self-defeating internal language directed at myself.

 

What a sissy loser wimp!!

My life as a submissive was/is a failure and I’m lost. After a few days of isolation and diapers i end up dropping small tributes to randoms just to bleed off the steamroller of submission energy. i never got back on the horse, and i see that.

Even since You dumped me, i am fine by myself for a few weeks, a month – then end up sending a random tribute just to bleed off the momentum. Wastes everyone’s time.

i think about how i let You down, screwed things up and disrespected a wonderful person who took the time to talk to me. i know everyone that i speak to is “real”, obviously…but i wanted a chance to just…apologize, explain…because i think alot of online slaves ‘slut around” but in my case… i wasn’t seen as a random. And the insult that i caused is more apparent.

The other thing. Instead of me bleeding off subbiness with random tributes i decided to just see if i could direct *all* that Your way, and use it for a chance to apologize. Even if i have no way of bleeding anything off, i will not throw my submission around anymore. If you let me tribute to waste my time and try to apologize (and most likely go nowhere) then I’m lucky and that is where I’m at now – which is why i asked for a wishlist chance.

You calling me a wimp, ect, juices me up and kept me going and obviously beneficial from Your end…but i wasn’t chasing the thrill. i really just wanted to explain and apologize. idk. i didnt pre-write this and thought it would come out alot more clearly but it hasn’t. Very rambling.

Mz Devon, i’m sorry. i want to explain more but im really rambling and nervous. im just…sorry i disrespected You. No matter how much we both know its my fault and shortcomings i have to express to You how sorry i am.

…and i know i’ve ruined it all as far as im concerned. i’m going to be old and full of regret. i know that but i accept it, because its my fault.

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One Response

  1. diaper sissy nathanDecember 7, 2013 @ 11:40 pmReply

    …i’m so ashamed but it’s all true.



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